Gird Your Loins, Bulma
by Pony Juice
Summary: The Royal Saiyan family puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional after two hot alien babes - Bulma and Chi-Chi - arrive from a recently deceased Earth. Maid costumes, conspiracy, and fun times with the Saiyan prince - oh boy. AU.
1. Bulma

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z, nor do I own any part of the Dragon Ball franchise. **

Bulma puttered about the garden gleefully, picking her way through the rubble and bodies that outnumbered the edible plants.

She winced when her travel-eaten house slippers stepped on what looked like a piece of someone's toilet. The Blue-Haired, Blue-Eyed One sucked in the inside of her cheek and hopped up and down in pain while cradling her foot to her chest. Take that, physics.

When Bulma set her foot down, she nudged what looked like a little bushel of unripe strawberries, pale with youth. They'd be terribly sour and would probably give her a tummy ache, but maybe if she kept them in her bra, they'd ripen in there?

Man, her roaring stomach was beginning to deafen her brain. Bulma decisively left the strawberries alone, though she plucked the seeds off of the strawberry's skin.

Maybe she could plant the seeds somewhere.

She tucked it away in the childish gum-ball machine ring that had a plastic gem that opened up to sparkly strawberry-flavored lip gloss under it, but the lip gloss was long gone. She hid the seeds there.

The wind was lecherously pushing her night gown up, flashing whatever remaining life forms on Earth the granny panties Bulma wore only while she was on her period.

Speaking of which, it felt like her tampon was dripping blood down her leg. Damn her six-day cycle! It was day three, so from here on out, her flow would lighten up. It had been nightmarish hunting through the remains of her once very posh neighborhood for some Tampax.

"Mother Nature, you are such a slut." She mumbled absent-mindedly, whilst toting a box of Tampax under her arm. "I need iron in my diet when I'm on my period, damn it!"

One arm swished in front of her like a zombie's; she might as well be one. Brains might taste nice if properly cooked with a side of small intestines - oh, drat, her own brilliant brain was becoming more unstable by the second.

Because most nineteen year-olds didn't wake up to the sounds of her parents screaming while aliens punched holes through their guts and finished all the milk. The two aliens who had pillaged Capsule Corps. must have been all brawn and no brains, since they didn't bother taking anything from the lab.

Bulma had been in the lab.

The night before, right after bathing and dressing in a white nightie and slippers, she had tinkered with a tiny tracking device for her father's things, since he had the nifty talent of forgetting where he put his things. The girl genius had fallen asleep right there and then.

Bulma didn't have a hero complex; the blood-curdling shrieks for help and following boisterous bouts of laughter told her that bubbly mother and scatter-brained father were in harm's way. A small part of her wanted to run into the house to find them, but her self-preserving part of her told her to hide under the large desk that held the lab rats. Bulma had pulled her knees to her chest, and her lips to her knees. Cold jolts of fear froze her veins. Her pulse throbbed painfully in her neck, and her instincts were screaming that something was terribly wrong, if the loud crashing and cackling and shouting were any indication. She also had to pee.

Then the lab doors were ripped open and her heart began raging against her ribcage. She saw two pairs of feet; on fitted with white boots, the other horned and hot pink.

The feet walked past her. A soft sigh escaped her, but she froze when the tapping of their feet stopped. Bulma was sure she was going to die when the feet went to the table where at the she was hiding under.

But then a nasally voice had said, "What are those things?"

A deep voice snickered. "Earthlings have the strangest things."

_Earthlings?_ A puzzled look came across Bulma's face.

A loud squeak told her that one of those beings had plucked out a white lab rat out of its tank. The squeak intensified when she heard the fine bones of the rat's body cracking. Blood splattered the floor next to her.

With a chuckle, the dead rat dropped down next to Bulma's feet.

To her horror, it was mangled beyond recognition, with it fur in bloody shreds and its bones poking out of its body, splintered beyond belief. Whatever those things were, they were strong. Really strong. Inhumanely so.

_Earthlings. Inhumane. Horned pink feet. White boots. _

A sob built in her chest. Bulma had clamped her teeth over her bottom lip to smother it.

When the lab doors closed, she sat stonily for hours. She shakily stood on her feet, stepping over the dead rat and towards the doors. Once outside, Bulma followed the bloody trail towards her home.

At least, what was left of it. The windows and doors looked like they had been melted off. The fridge was upturned, the walls were falling apart, and her parents were slumped over the broken kitchen table, two gaping, gushing holes going through both of their chests.

Blood. Blood everywhere. Bulma's throat closed. She stood there, staring at her murdered parents and her wrecked house. She whipped around in cold fear, paranoid that the aliens were hiding, waiting to kill her. Nothing came but silence.

She had escaped death. If she had fallen asleep in her room, she would have been killed while having breakfast with her parents.

She would be another body count. Just another body amongst the rest of Earth's population.

If only she had ran into the house when she heard their screams.

Then Bulma Briefs would be dead too. She was supposed to have died that morning.

But she had stayed selfish. The princess hid and saved herself.

Guilt tried to join grief, but self-preservation reminded her that even if she had run into the kitchen to play hero, she would have been killed anyway; it wasn't like Bulma could kill two planet-purging aliens.

That day, Bulma had carried her mom and dad back to their bed. Her hands went to her Daddy's purple moustache that twitched when he gave her a whimsical smile. She stared at the smile-worn eyelids of her mother's youthful face. Bulma covered them with their sheets. Her stomach clenched tightly.

So she cleaned the blood off the floor before the house started to collapse around her and before she vomited.

And so here she was, meandering around a dead planet. To Bulma's dismay, the supermarket was blown up, so she headed to the mall.

Blown up, too.

Bulma sat down on a bench flanking the little garden behind a house.

It still hadn't sunk in that most of Earth's population had been wiped out by alien pirates. Her insides just felt very hollow with her gut waxing omens to her instincts.

Death would be visiting soon to finish the job Fate had interrupted.

As she had done with the other two houses in her area, Bulma strolled right into the home, through the back door. The latest trend in everyone's home was empty fridges in undignified positions and dead people.

Bulma plugged her nose at the odor that corpses let out after a while and headed to the bathroom. Taking a shower was becoming rather exciting since she never knew what she would find in other peoples' bathrooms.

This bathroom was tiny. The shampoo was for color-treated hair and the bar of soap Bulma found was slowly dying into a vanilla-scented sliver.

The shampoo smelled nice. Bulma was just thankful to wash out the sweat and oil that threaded her shoulder-length aqua hair. Egad, improper hygiene.

Bulma found herself in a master bedroom that, for the first time since the Earth suffered her apocalypse three days ago, had a closet with clothes that fit her.

This was a family of three; a MILF, a daddy, and a toddler.

Bulma wormed into a pair of jean shorts and a yellow top with white polka-dots. The panties fit fine, but the bra was a bit loose, even for Bulma.

As she fell back onto the canopy bed behind her, she mused quietly, "Aren't I doing what those aliens did? Except without killing anybody?"

She turned over with her nose in a pillow. It smelled distinctly male. Bulma rolled onto her back.

"This is the life, huh? Free showers, free clothes," She shifted onto her stomach and whistled at the silence. "Nobody around..."

She rolled onto her back. With a loud sigh, she yelled at the ceiling, "I'm bored!"

Bulma sat up sharply. "Listen up, Bulma. We're one of the last survivors on Earth and we're surviving by free-loading. There's nothing to do now but gather supplies and look for some survivors," With a weak smile, she feebly added, "Who knows, there might be a banging-hot stud muffin who I'll need to repopulate the Earth with. But first, I need my beauty sleep."

* * *

><p>"The Earth is still high in natural resources. It would be wise to collect them immediately," The King's advisor advised shrewdly.<p>

"Fine," King Vegeta waved flippantly. As an afterthought, he added, "I would like to bring back any Earthlings that survived the purging. I wouldn't mind some alien babes. You said the Earthlings were similar in physical composition to Saiyans?"

"Minus the tail,"

"Of course,"

"Who are you sending?"

"Kakarot and Vegeta. The prince is becoming lazy,"

"Oh? Am I the one who sits himself on his throne all day doing absolutely nothing but harassing his son's chambermaids?"

Said (lazy) Prince of all Saiyans stalked into the room with a trademark scowl on his face.

The advisor left swiftly.

"Come now, boy. Toying with the women takes time and energy. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it,"

Prince Vegeta sneered in disgust. "Vulgar old man. You are lucky that Mother is dead or else you would be missing both of your tails,"

"Don't get fresh with me, brat. At least I have an active interest in women,"

"Women are needy harpies. I can do without,"

"You will marry if you intend to take my place,"

"Saiyan women are too manly," Vegeta admitted.

"Ah. You have my taste in women. Our chambermaids are all alien women, very pretty things, no?"

"I would not spoil royal Saiyan blood with some alien bitch's,"

"In other words, my son is a prude who can't pull any_ tail_?"

"Old man, I am going to butcher you if you don't shut your fucking face," Vegeta hissed as his patience snapped.

"Oh, fine. I was merely suggesting that you might be inclined towards exotic women, but-"

"What planet am I destroying?"

"You are not to destroy Earth. Gather the natural resources and scout for survivors. Bring only the females back. Then report to Zarbon,"

Vegeta rolled his eyes at his King.

"Fucking horny bastard." He muttered before stomping out to find Kakarot.

The King's advisor quietly returned to the throne room.

"Your Highness, won't Lord Freiza be angry at you for destroying a perfectly profitable planet?"

"After Vegeta and Kakarot are through with it, it won't be worth anything. Frieza will send Zarbon to inspect it for any value. Without women or good resources, he will order him to destroy Earth. One less planet for the Ice Empire,"

"Surely he will begin to notice…?"

"Surely not if this is done without a recognizable pattern. Or if word does not get out. Should I hear of spies, I will see to it that my son has a new toy to torture,"

"I am loyal to you and only you, Your Highness,"

"Damn right you are,"

"But he sent Tollsha and Zibeth to purge it-"

"Tollsha is a Saiyan, and a clever one at that. Zibeth is an idiotic Durian. Tollsha did all the reporting while Zibeth was purging. Told Frieza that Earth was a barren wasteland with idiotic creatures on it."

The King's advisor frowned.

* * *

><p>"ON DONNER, ON BLITZEN!" Bulma gasped awake.<p>

There was a little drool dribbling down her chin that she wiped away wildly.

"Meow," A ball of fur greeted from her head.

Bulma had been dreaming about wearing a fuzzy hat that turned into a shark's jaws. The jaws had been the little black cat on her head clawing into her scalp.

"Meow?"

She gently pulled him off of her damp aqua head. Holding the kitten under its armpits, she stared at him.

"Meow,"

"You know, cat, you look a lot like Daddy's cat, Scratch. You can be Itch,"

"Meow," Itch approved.

"Looks like I didn't have to look too far for a survivor, huh?"

"Meow," Cat-speak for, "I guess."

"You peed in my hair, didn't you?"

"Meow," Itch confessed.

Bulma spent her morning furiously trying to scrub out the smell of cat pee. After several washes and a generous amount of perfume, the smell was gone.

Her stomach was grumbling at her. The kitchen was virtually empty and smelled like dead people, so Bulma gulped down some of her shower instead. Itch joined her shortly. The water shut her grumpy tummy up.

She stepped out of the shower naked and went about finding some socks and sneakers. Bulma rifled through the closet and decided on a tight, dark pink camisole and yellow cotton short-shorts with drawstrings.

She even had the luxury of blow-drying her hair straight, though at the expense of Itch hissing at her like she was the Anti-Christ.

Bulma's vanity drew her to the full-length mirror, where she wolf-whistled at herself. "Girl, you must be a model,"

Itch rubbed his head against her legs, purring in agreement.

"It's nice out, Itch. Let's go for a walk." Bulma gathered the black cat in her arms and left. She was walking for a while, until she suddenly heard a thunderous crash, followed by another ungodly crash that had her eardrums ringing and her body trembling and Itch's tail bristling.

To her horror, she saw the road splitting and veining under her feet. Self-preservation told her to run, run like the fucking wind, Bulma! Curiosity was holding a gun to Itch's head.

Bulma learned her lesson three days ago; to always listen to her instincts if she intended to stay alive. She bolted back inside the house, past the dead family of three, and up to the master bedroom. She slammed the door of the master bedroom and dove under the covers. Itch mewled at her.

"Hush, kitty."

Itch yowled indignantly.

Bulma shivered under the blanket, stroking Itch's fur absently. Itch let out a thoughtful meow, that in Cat-speak that translated to, "You know, human, those crashes sounded a lot like you're about to die."

She sent Itch a sour look. "Black cats really do bring bad luck, don't they?"

* * *

><p>"Earth is real pretty. The sky is <em>blue<em>, Vegeta. Blue,"

The two Saiyans stepped out of their respective space pods.

"Quiet," Vegeta demanded waspishly. "I'm trying to focus,"

"Oh, sorry 'bout that,"

"Just shut up, Kakarot,"

Kakarot saluted with a bright smile and began sniffing. Vegeta could only think that his father sent the bumbling buffoon along with him because of Kakarot's senses, which were alarmingly sharper than any other Saiyan's. That, and that he was the Prince's royal body guard.

The taller Saiyan reeled suddenly, and he slapped a hand over his nose with an, "OW!"

"What?" Vegeta impatiently grunted.

"It smells!"

"I realize that, Kakarot. There are decomposing aliens everywhere. It's not supposed to smell like rainbows and flowers, you moron,"

"Actually, it does smell like rainbows and flowers,"

Vegeta speared the younger Saiyan with an icy glare.

"It's a really girly smell coming from a mile or so away,"

Vegeta sniffed.

Then his lips curled up into a smirk.

"Well, well, well, Kakarot. Looks like you _are _useful for something. Now I can have my boots washed for the first time this month. A human bitch will keep the old man busy. He keeps tiring out my chambermaids - my quarters haven't been cleaned since who knows when," The Saiyan royalty muttered irritably.

"I hear you. One of my maids couldn't walk for a week after King Vegeta borrowed her. I wonder why. Maybe they were sparring or something…"

"Hn. That's one way to put it."

The Saiyans walked towards the overpowering scent, Vegeta stomping on anything in his way; Kakarot stepping over anything in his way.

They came upon a round compound that was battered and broken like every other one the Saiyans saw on their short visit to the little blue planet. Vegeta stepped in through a hole in the wall, followed by Kakarot, who had to bow his upper body to fit into the space his Prince entered through with ease.

"That smell is coming from up there," Kakarot pointed. He became distracted by a tasty looking alien woman limp and bloody over a broken table. The soldier pulled off her arm and sniffed before taking a bite.

Vegeta turned with an annoyed twitch to his brow to see what had distracted his comrade. His stomach growled in response while watching Kakarot munch on the dark flesh. Vegeta ripped off the woman's other limb and began eating as well.

"Mmm. Not bad, Vegeta. Humans taste pretty good. Kinda sweet, though,"

"Hn."

After the snack, Vegeta strutted up the stairs with Kakarot behind him, taking their sweet time. The scent was undeniably female, now that Vegeta was close to the source, though heavily cloaked in other fragrances. If anything, it made his head spin.

Finally, Vegeta and Kakarot stood before the door where the smell came from.

With a grin, Vegeta kicked the door down.

* * *

><p>Itch poked a claw at Bulma's left boob. The look on his face told her that hiding under the covers was probably not a good idea when the sound of feet and talking came from downstairs.<p>

Bulma had half a mind to roll under the bed, but the fact that whoever they were pin-pointed this one house out of all the desolation was an indication that whoever they were, they knew she was here.

That crashing...could definitely be the alien spaceships landing.

Now Bulma was regretting how she scoffed at the homeless crying about the world coming to an end three days ago.

Bulma's throat constricted when she heard murmuring from behind the door.

Then, the door burst open.

Actually, that was a gross understatement; the door was ripped off its hinges and then promptly turned into saw dust.

A long pause stretched out.

Bulma was breathing heavily and quivering like a leaf; Itch stretched lazily on his stomach.

"Gee, Kakarot," A deep, gravelly voice, with a curl of an accent said sarcastically. "Where oh where is our little human friend hiding?"

* * *

><p>Even if he wasn't Saiyan, he would have found the Earthling squirming on the bed dead-center in the room.<p>

Vegeta decided to humor her.

Kakarot blinked at the Prince. "Vegeta, she's right there. She's on that bed,"

Vegeta pursed his lips, willing himself not to obliterate the fool.

"Hey, Vegeta," Kakarot whispered and jabbed a thumb at the black tail snaking out of the blanket. They watched with rapt interest when a fair, slender hand shot out and grabbed the tail.

Then there was yowling. Lots of yowling.

"You know, Kakarot, I feel offended," Vegeta narrowed his eyes. "Is she even trying?"

"For your information, monsters can't get you if you hide under the covers! GOD! _Everyone_ knows that!"

There was a stunned silence that followed.

"…I mean…meow,"

Then Bulma said her prayers and mentally signed her last will and testament. Itch would be receiving all her property when these two flayed her. Her small comfort was that a cat would hold her eulogy. "You better have nice things to say about me after I die." She muttered angrily to Itch. "I'm really pretty and really smart and really charming. Remember that."

Vegeta raised a dark brow.

The tall Saiyan came around the canopy bed to peel the covers back.

He was met with resistance, as two female hands clutched the covers over her head stubbornly.

"Kakarot, her power level is four," Vegeta dead-panned when his comrade struggled.

"Really? This thing's power level is six," Kakarot paused playing tug-of-war with the Earthling and grabbed the furry black animal by the scruff of its neck. It mewed at him. A smile lit up his face.

"Vegeta! This thing's really cute-"

"My power level is lower than a kitten's?" Bulma squawked in outrage. She tore the sheets away from her being and leapt up. She shot the cat an accusing glare. "Itch?"

"Merrrow," Itch rubbed his ear on the tall, spiky-haired man's wrist.

Kakarot stared at Bulma. Kakarot stared at Itch. Bulma stared at Kakarot. More so, she stared at his muscles.

"Uh...hey there, Stud Muffin. Haven't seen you around these parts," Bulma said nervously.

He stared down at her blankly. Then he turned his head towards the man at the doorframe. Her wide blue eyes followed.

He was short, but a head of thick, dark, spiky, fuck-you-gravity hair shaped like a flame lent him extra height. While vertically-lacking, his presence was intimidating and aristocratic enough to make Bulma shrink in her boots if she were wearing any. The dangerous air around him was practically tangible, as it reached out and strangled her fight instincts and jump-started her flight instincts. His head was tilted in a way that made him look down at anybody who dared to look him in the face and his arms were crossed over his chest in frosty unavailability. His face looked pinched, like he was in a bitchy mood, but his features were sharp and handsome, with a cute little nose and alert eyes black enough to absorb the sun.

And oh my, that blue spandex suit over golden skin with those rippling muscles underneath...

Man, these guys were _built._ Bulma's face felt very hot all of a sudden.

"Vegeta," The man standing in front of Bulma whispered loudly. He held Itch up like the cat was Simba. "I want to keep him,"

Sharp eyes flashed to hers. Coal black met bright blue. He ran his eyes over her body in a way that had pleasant chills shooting down her spine. Then Vegeta's stare returned to glare at the man cuddling Itch adoringly.

"And you are?" Bulma turned back to the cheerful man towering over.

The man beamed down at her. Itch had made his way onto the man's shoulder. The cat was nuzzling his cheek and purring loudly.

"Hi! I'm Kakarot. What's your name?"

Bulma bit her bottom lip, her brain frazzled. There was no way some murderous alien could be such an animal-loving happy ass, could he? She scrutinized the goofy smile on his handsome face and investigated for malicious intent. All she found was genuine curiosity and good-nature.

"Bulma Briefs," She announced proudly. She crossed her arms and shot a glare at the other man, Vegeta, was it? Him, he was definitely capable of malicious intent. "Are you the dorks who destroyed my planet?"

Vegeta pointed a finger at her. A bright yellow beam shot out from it.

Bulma yelped. The bottom of her dark pink cami curled up as a small fire devoured the stretchy material.

"STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, GIRL! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL."

Kakarot watched on curiously as the blue-haired alien rolled and rolled and rolled until she was at Vegeta's feet. The other Saiyan nuzzled his cheek to the cat's face and disapprovingly scolded, "That wasn't very nice of you, Vegeta."

Bulma shot up and pointed a finger at Vegeta's face, that while usually expressionless, held a bit of sick amusement.

"You set me on fire!"

"Shame. I was aiming for that ridiculous hair of yours," His stare dropped to the pale skin of the woman's exposed midriff and the soft dip of her small waist. Black tatters ended the strange pink garment that did nothing to cover her slim arms, slender neck, and the tops of her plump breasts that swelled when she crossed her arms under them. The garish yellow shorts showcased the creamy skin of her shapely legs and the curve of her hips.

Vegeta brought his eyes back to her face and that ridiculous hair of hers.

In all the planet-purging and intergalactic gallivanting he'd done, he'd never seen a creature with hair like hers. It was obnoxiously bright and blue, like this blasted planet's sky. It was also the source of the overwhelming sweet scent he and Kakarot had smelled. It fell softly down, hovering above sloping shoulders, instead of spiking like a Saiyan's. If anything, it was comparable to threads of teal silk woven into her scalp. As for her eyes, Vegeta had seen blue eyes before, but Saiyans were mostly all monotonously dark-haired and dark-eyed with the rare exceptions.

Pink lips were moving rapidly and blue brows were pinned together angrily, but Vegeta occupied his eyes with the sight of her heaving chest and raging baby blue glare.

Saiyan women were more...rough around the edges. Their hair was coarse, stiff, and black, their eyes narrower than this harpy's wide, crystal blues, their skin tanner and tougher. The Prince of All Saiyans knew if he applied even a little pressure onto that milky skin of hers, he would bruise the soft flesh. Hell, Saiyan infants probably had harder skin. The females on his planet were strong and aloof, never affectionate and never ones for emotional attachment; it would not do if a woman bawled over her mate at the mention of battle or death. This one looked like she would cry if he pinched her.

In short, Vegeta was beginning to think of what his father had said.

_"You have my taste in women."_

Alien women?

Vegeta snorted.

"-and don't you dare snort at me!"

"Kakarot, what has this woman been bitching about?"

"Iunno. I wasn't listening either," The taller Saiyan held Itch from his tail, and watched the creature pawing at him and making miserable mewling noises as he tried to scramble back on to the giant's shoulder.

"Men," Bulma huffed. Her tone became serious. "Are there any survivors on Earth besides me?"

Vegeta looked down at the woman and shrugged. "Probably. Though, now that I've dealt with an actual Earthling, I don't think I want to bring any more back to my home,"

"Come on," Bulma wheedled. "Just find another girl, please? Please? With sprinkles, Your Highness? I'm lonely,"

He stared down at her stoically.

"Vegeta..." She purred coyly, and shoved her arms up further so her boobs spilled out some more. He stubbornly held his gaze on her face, but in a moment that Bulma could have missed if she hadn't been staring back just as stubbornly, his eyes flickered down before jumping back to her face.

She smirked.

He scowled.

"Kakarot," He ordered, still giving the woman the stink-eye. "Sniff out another woman."

A soft smile broke across Bulma's face and her eyes softened as well. Her arms fell to her sides. She boldly stood on her tippy-toes and popped a kiss onto the Prince of all Saiyan's cheek.

* * *

><p><strong>Don't worry about Bulm<strong>**a. She won't be all lol-everyone-I-know-and-love-has-been-killed-but-there-is-hot-Saiyan-ass-to-be-pulled-so-fuck-the-Earth. **

**Angst will be dispersed throughout the story, but this will mainly by humor and romance and smut and maybe lemons if I feel like abusing the M rating. **

**Happy reading! **

**-Pony. **


	2. ChiChi

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z, nor do I own any part of the Dragon Ball franchise. **

"She's up ahead. It'll take a while to get to her, though." Kakarot followed his nose faithfully. Itch sniffed as well from his post on the Saiyan's broad shoulder. The cat's claws were digging into his shoulder plate, holding onto all nine lives while Kakarot flew.

His Prince was making a face. The human woman's round rump was by his head, while her long legs were stretched over his body, kicking closely to the source of Vegeta-sei's next heir.

Her tiny fists were thumping on his back, screeching at him from his back to carry her like a "lady". She wasn't about to yell at him to let her go, since Bulma wasn't feeling particularly suicidal from five-thousand-something feet in the sky.

"Saiyan women do not need to be carried. They are capable of flying on their own. Honestly, you humans are incompetent in everything," Vegeta grouched. He rubbed his sensitive ears, and Kakarot had to do the same from the pitch of her voice.

"Just carry me properly and not like a sack of potatoes and then I'll shut up!" Bulma hollered at his butt, very much admiring the view. Oh yes, she'd be seeing loads of blue spandex in her dreams from now on...so toned, so tight...

Vegeta bristled. How dare she, some lowly human harlot, order _him_, the Prince of All Saiyans? His jaw clenched tightly.

Kakarot exchanged nervous looks with Itch.

And then Vegeta dropped the human cargo from Earth's stratosphere.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL A VIRGIN! FUDGE!" She howled. Bulma flapped her hands like a bird, but it wasn't working for some reason. Her body was pitched forward, with brutal winds pushing up at her while gravity pulled her back into the Earth.

For the third (?) time this week, Bulma Briefs thought she was going to die. Bulma Briefs was falling out of the sky. Bulma Briefs was going to go splat. Bulma Briefs would go out with an onomatopoeia that was not "bang!". Darn it.

"ITCH, YOU SON OF BITCH! YOU BETTER GET ON MY EULOGY! FUDGE FUDGE FUDGE-"

"Woman, I hope you learned your lesson," A husky, accented voice growled into her ear. A hard, warm body was pressed against her back when two muscled arms roughly yanked her back into Vegeta's arms. "No one orders Vegeta, Prince of all Saiyans, to do anything and gets away without punishment. I have killed for less and I have enjoyed it."

In all honesty, he was still reeling at this vulgar woman's audacity. She had touched him - _kissed _him on the fucking cheek! She was a ballsy bitch, he'd give her that.

Vegeta's face was still tingling, though it was mostly out of him scrubbing his face after she planted her filthy lips on his cheek. Ugh, disgusting! More disgusting was feeling his face getting hot and seeing her smirk with those repulsive pink lips of hers.

Blasted woman.

Bulma squirmed in his arms, the warmth radiating off of him heating her air-borne skin up. Using him as a furnace was short-lived, though, because as soon as she was back in his arms, he dropped her again.

"VEGETA! I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU PISS BLOOD FOR WEEKS AFTER THISSS-"

Bulma felt something furry curl around her ankle, very abruptly halting her second fall with a jolt to the socket of her leg. The wind knocked right out her lungs.

She was hanging upside down, so with an A for effort, she tried pulling her head up to see what grabbed her.

"You have a tail?" She asked slowly, wide blue stare traveling from the brown monkey tail around her ankle, up to where it was attached at the base of his back in awe. His arms were, once again, crossed, and he was smiling cruelly down at her.

"You humans are remarkably stupid. How could you not notice?" He scoffed.

Bulma turned her neck to look at Kakarot, whose own tail was wrapped around his waist.

"B-But I thought that was a fuzzy belt-"

"You thought wrong, Woman,"

"So you are aliens, then?" The air left her lungs again, making her breaths choppy and short. Blood was starting to pool in her head, making her light-headed.

"How impressive. It took you that long to figure that out?"

"You look human," She mumbled dumbly.

"We are Saiyans, not worthless human vermin. Besides being physically superior to humans, Saiyans have the ability to transform in the light of the full moon,"

"Into what?"

"Oozaru,"

"...?"

"A giant ape with power that your puny brain could never comprehend,"

"Um, Vegeta? Her face is really red. Maybe I should carry her if you can't?" Kakarot offered.

Vegeta's tail lashed back in anger, jerking Bulma with it. Her neck snapped back and her limbs swung, giving her a hideous case of whiplash. _Stupid monkey bastard! How dare he treat Bulma Briefs like this? _

"Are you implying that I am not capable of carrying this insufferable worm?" He demanded darkly, lips pulled back in a snarl.

"No, no, I was just wondering if you can carry Bulma properly...like a lady?" The young Saiyan asked innocently.

Vegeta's eyes flared. "Of course I can, you fool! Who do you take me for? I _am_ a Prince,"

The Saiyan Sovereign pulled his tail up, so the woman was hanging above his head. Then he released her.

Her scream was cut short when he caught her in his arms so his hands were under her knees and back, like a bride.

"See?" Vegeta shot Kakarot a smug look. "I am carrying the demon woman _properly_,"

Bulma looked up at Vegeta in a daze before her head rolled over to look at the other Saiyan. Kakarot gave her a mischievous wink and an impish, shit-eating grin.

Bulma grinned back with a thumbs-up.

Bulma found herself liking flying. It was exhilarating watching the ground from up above, flashing by in green and brown and blue. Not to mention that it was much more comfy in the Prince's strong arms. Vegeta's warm hands were wrapped around her thighs. Body heat permeated through his white gloves and she was glad that he couldn't feel the goosebumps blossoming on her legs. The smoldering in her lower tummy bloomed from his fingers tightening and sometimes brushing against her sensitive inner thighs. His touch was sparking all sorts of places and igniting fires Bulma did not want to explain.

She began running her mouth to distract herself.

"Say, who exactly are the Saiyans?"

Vegeta lowered his stare to nastily glare her. "You've honestly never heard of us?"

"Never,"

"We're a warrior race," Kakarot piped up. "From Vegeta-sei,"

Bulma looked up at Vegeta incredulously and squeaked, "You have a planet named after yourself?"

"It's the other way around," He muttered dryly. "I am the heir to the crown,"

She looked at him oddly. "I'm an heiress, too,"

"Heiress to what?" He looked at her for the first time with genuine interest.

Bulma mimicked his arms-across-the-chest trademark. "Capsule Corporations. My daddy and I are world-renowned scientists. He came up with the capsules and I helped," At his quirked brow, she continued, "Basically, the capsules hold objects in a more compact and transportation-safe way. Though, I think the compound and lab were completely destroyed," Bulma grimaced at the lost capsules. If she had at least her hover car or Capsule house…

"Are you meaning to say that you can contain objects into small capsules?"

"Yes. I'm pretty sure the largest thing you can hold in a capsule is a house,"

"A house!" Kakarot gasped.

"Yup," Bulma gloated. "A house in the palm of your hand,"

"That's preposterous! You're lying," Vegeta denied firmly.

"I am not lying. Hey, maybe after we pick up another person, we can go back to see if I can save anything from the lab. I left before the house collapsed, so I'm not sure everything is damaged. Some parts of the lab might not have been destroyed. I can show you a capsule!"

Vegeta scoffed.

"Can you really show us a capsule?" Kakarot asked.

"If they survived, then sure. Only if His Highness here lets us,"

"You say you are a scientist?" The Saiyan Prince lifted a brow skeptically

"Yes, I _am _a scientist, bud. I know it's a little difficult to believe that someone can be as beautiful and brilliant as me,"

"Don't forget humble,"

"Hey Vegeta, isn't she like the female version of you, except she's more innocent? You've never killed anyone, right Bulma?"

"I am not the female vers-"

"Kakarot, I am going to rip out your intestines and strangle you with them if you don't shut your mouth,"

"Yeesh. I think someone needs a sleep-induced Space Pod nap," Kakarot sing-songed.

"I think someone needs to stop breathing,"

"Are you boys brothers?" Bulma chirped.

"Do not mistake this imbecile for royalty. Kakarot is merely an Elite soldier,"

"I'm his bodyguard," Kakarot added cheerfully.

"Do all Saiyans have tails?"

"Yes," Vegeta answered shortly.

"Throw me a bone, would ya? I want to know more about the Saiyans. In case you haven't noticed, I don't get abducted by aliens on a daily basis. On top of that, I have no one to talk to because virtually everyone on my planet is dead. Is it so wrong to want to know about you?"

"Yes,"

"UGH!" Bulma faced Kakarot with teary eyes. "Kakarot?"

He looked uneasy. "Well, I told you we're all warriors,"

"The mightiest race in the entire universe,"

Bulma narrowed her eyes at Vegeta. "Oh, so now you want to talk? Of course, only if you're bragging about yourself,"

"You're catching on,"

"All I know so far is that you guys are the extra-terrestrial equivalents of Spartans who turn into King Kong when you see the full moon. And that you," Bulma poked Vegeta's chest. "are the Prince,"

"Correct,"

"I can't believe you're a Prince. I thought they were supposed to be handsome and charming, not mean and short,"

Bulma knew she said the wrong thing when his eyes flashed. Kakarot's cheeks puffed as he suppressed laughter.

She knew that this guy could kill her, quite literally, with the tip of his finger. How many people did she know that could set her on fire by pointing a finger at her for calling them a dork? Not many, she mused gloomily, since everyone she did know was gone.

Still funny to tease him. Even if he endangered her life every time she did.

"Not that I'm complaining. You're still cute. Bite-sized, but very cute. Don't get too offended," Bulma wiggled closer to his chest. She pouted up at him when she saw the veins in his temple bulging.

She flashed him her teeth nervously.

"I'm sure she was joking,"

"Quiet, Kakarot. I'm thinking up of all the ways I can kill this woman," His face was deceptively calm and blank. Vegeta put on a thoughtful face. "Preferably the most slow and painful way possible,"

"Oh, shucks," Bulma cursed and swiftly changed the subject. "There's something I want to know. What exactly happened to the Earth? Like, the who, what, where, when, and why?"

"Well, two soldiers from the Planet Trade Organization came and purged the Earth," Kakarot winced when a sandy wind swept into his eyes. The three had been flying over a desert for what felt like hours now.

"Planet Trade Organization?"

He scrubbed the back of his neck and shot a discreet look at Vegeta. "It's an organization where we go to valuable planets and wipe out the population. Then we sell the planets,"

"You say 'we'. That means you two work for the Planet Trade Organization as well, right?"

Vegeta tensed. Bulma felt his shoulders stiffen and a warning rumble echoed from his chest.

Kakarot looked just as tense. His voice took on a hard tone. "We've never seen or heard of the leader of it, but Frieza's one of the overlords who're in charge. He...makes strong races join him in 'cleaning' out planets and selling them to the highest bidder,"

Bulma blinked. "You two work for a freezer?"

"It's not so much work as it is being under that lizard bastard's thumb," Vegeta spat harshly.

"The Saiyans are his favorite army," Kakarot added bitterly.

"The Saiyans were forced into it?" Her brow creased. "I thought they were the mightiest race in the-"

The warning rumbling Vegeta was making grew louder. Bulma wisely shut her mouth.

Kakarot sighed and continued grimly. "Frieza is real strong. He might be the strongest in the univ-"

"Kakarot," Vegeta was shaking, rage making him snarl and dig his nails into Bulma's thighs and shoulders. Her shoulders were almost touching, and her boobs were smushed together.

"Hey!" She squealed when one nail broke skin. "That hurts, you dummy!"

The younger Saiyan quieted, but his face was twisted in the same fury on Vegeta's face.

"Vegeta, you have to relax. Your shoulders are really tense. You know what you need? A _massage,_"

"Woman, I suggest you shut the hell up," His grip on her legs and shoulders loosened a bit, but his voice was frosty and commanding. For once, Bulma listened. He seemed to have quite the reaction to the Freezer guy.

_"Strongest in the universe." _

Bulma bit her bottom lip. She broke the tense silence. "Are...is Freiza going to sell Earth?"

A dark look came upon Vegeta's face. "Not after we're through with it,"

"And what exactly do you mean by that? The Earth is very desirable, I'll have you know,"

There was another strange silence.

Bulma fidgeted. She hated awkward silences.

"Where are you taking me?"

"You are going to Vegeta-sei with us, after we pick up a human friend for you,"

"You're taking me to another planet!"

"Where did you think you were going?" Kakarot wondered.

"Honestly? I think I'm still in shock after you guys busted in, kidnapped me, and started_ flying _me over to the last survivor on the Earth. I have no idea what's going on. I've been like this for like, three days,"

"And here I thought you were a genius," Vegeta sneered. "Here, let me explain this to you in the simplest possible terms. Your planet was purged, Kakarot and I were sent to collect the remaining female survivors and the natural resources, and now you and the other female are going to be taken to Vegeta-sei to live as chambermaids or royal concubines. The end,"

"WHAT! No way am _I _going to be a godforsaken concubine! You are insane if you think I am agreeing to this! You know what? Just drop me - I'd rather die than go live on your stupid planet! Let me go, now!"

"Woman," Vegeta growled when she began kicking and screaming in his arms. His annoyance reached epic proportions when her elbow nearly jabbed him in the face.

"Bulma, please relax," Kakarot swooped over to her in concern. "I know you don't want to go to some strange place, but if you don't come with us, you'll be taken to be Frieza's concubine. You can't stay on Earth because it's going to be destroyed,"

"What does everyone want a fucking concubine for!"

"I think -," Vegeta easily dodged the kick aimed for his head. "-that is self-explanatory. Beautiful alien women make excellent bed-warmers,"

"I am not going to be a BED-WARMER," Bulma fought to loosen his tight hold, red in the face. And did he just call her beautiful?

"A chambermaid, then,"

"I HATE CLEANING!"

Vegeta snorted like an angry bull. "Fine. I'll just blast you to-"

"Vegeta, don't kill her! She doesn't know what she's saying - she must still be in shock or something,"

"Don't patronize me!"

"Then stop being so difficult!"

She cried hot tears of rage and frustration. "Let go," Bulma's voice quivered, as her chest shook with the force of her sobs.

An eerie silence fell.

Vegeta let go of her.

Her eyes grew wide at the fact that he'd actually done it - that he actually obeyed her and let her go, but the shock didn't last long.

The fall ended quickly.

And then, there was much laughter.

Vegeta was guffawing for all he was worth, stomach-grabbing and all. "Woman, you should have seen your face!"

Bulma blinked.

Vegeta and Kakarot landed behind her. Then she noticed that the Prince of all Pricks had dropped her - while they were inch away from landing. She landed on her butt on what felt like cobblestone.

With shaky legs, she stood. She wobbled on her feet from hours of neglect. Bulma looked over her shoulder to see Vegeta wiping the last traces of mirth from his face and Kakarot chuckling, though he looked relieved. Bulma made sure to shoot them both dirty looks.

Vegeta made sure she was watching while he made a big show of rubbing his arms like they were sore. He grinned devilishly at her outraged face.

Scowling, she turned back around to take in her surroundings. Bulma saw Vegeta doing some inspecting of his own.

It looked like some castle, and they had landed on the roof of it. There was smoke haunting the place, like the ghosts of a great fire. Black embers crunched under their feet and - Bulma wrinkled her nose - it smelled like burnt toast. She considered asking the two why they didn't go to the front door, but after looking over the edge of the roof, Bulma saw a raging fire engulfing the bottom half of the castle.

"Where are we?" Bulma stumbled after the Saiyans. She watched vaguely when Kakarot formed a blue ball of electricity in his palm and blasted a hole through the roof.

Aliens, Bulma. Right, right.

"Fire Mountain," Vegeta grabbed her elbow, picked her up, and placed him in front of him upon floating down to a dark, empty corridor.

"It looks like a cold day in Hell, here, doesn't it?" She shuddered at the scary long hallway and the flickering shadows.

"You would know, now wouldn't you?" Vegeta sneered.

"You're a dildo,"

"Charming. Can't say that I've heard last words as original as that," A wayward finger casually looped around a lock of her aqua hair, lightly tracing the back of her neck. Bulma suppressed a shudder. "You don't think I've forgotten what you called me earlier. What was it..."

He tugged her hair with enough force to make her wince and drag her head back into his shoulder. The length of her pearly neck was exposed to his hot breath. Bulma gasped when his nose brushed along her neck, inhaling slightly. She gulped.

"Uh...mean and short?"

"Yes, that was it. I'm adding 'dildo' to your tab. Your death just keeps getting more creative,"

"...oh,"

"Hey, guys, it smells like food!"

Vegeta released her hair, making Bulma propel forward. Kakarot looked back at the two, and nudged his head towards the source of the food with childish delight.

"Oh, man, I'm starving," Bulma groaned, and Kakarot whole-heartedly agreed. She made her way to the other Saiyan's side, casting an uncertain look at the Saiyan prince. She gnawed on her bottom lip when he returned her stare coldly. Bulma quickly looked away.

Vegeta really took the hot-guy-with-an-asshole-personality thing to a whole new level. Every look at those narrowed, icy black eyes sent her stomach into a tizzy of butterflies that mass-produced like cancerous cells, but his disagreeable personality was off-putting. Bulma would be lying if she said she didn't like his steely confidence and self-assuredness, though. Those were the very traits she liked in herself.

He scared her and turned her on all at once, and Bulma be damned if she wasn't a little befuddled by him.

The object of her thoughts scoffed. "You two are pathetic. Just find the damn woman, Kakarot,"

"Righty-ho, this way,"

The trio winded down a long dark corridor. Bulma noticed Itch dead asleep on Kakarot's shoulder, snoring lightly. Her lips broke out into a smile. She reached her hand out to poke his pink nose. His whiskers twitched. Biting back a smile, Bulma played with his triangular black ears. Her fingers bumped against a spike of Kakarot's hair by accident.

"Sorry," Bulma made to move her hand away, but then she reached up to pet Kakarot's unruly hair, marveling at how it stuck up the way it did. "Hey, why is your hair like that?"

"Like what, Bulma?"

"I've never seen hair like yours, except for this cartoon character named Go-"

"Breaking the fourth wall, Bulma,"

"Oops,"

Vegeta shoved past the two impatiently, a deep scowl twisting his face. Kakarot let out a startled yelp when the Prince plowed his shoulder with his. "Stop your flirting and hurry up. Zarbon will be arriving soon,"

"We weren't flirting," Bulma said defensively. She was determined not to shut up at the fierce, shut-the-hell-up-Woman look he sent her. He would show her some RESPECT. "Gosh, jealous much?"

Vegeta flat out ignored her, though the tip of his tail flicked agitatedly.

Kakarot went back to leading the way. Finally, they stood before a door that was a crack open. He put a hand and began pushing it open.

Suddenly, a frying pan smashed into his face with enough firepower to wake a wild Snorlax.

Bulma backed into Vegeta, eyes and mouth slack when she saw a finely-boned hand clutching the handle of the frying pan. The hand was attached to an arm swathed in blue silk. Blue eyes widened when she saw a girl, no more than fifteen or sixteen years-old, standing like she was ready to pounce at the three intruders.

The pan fell off the handle. Every eye in the house stared in wonder when the metal pan clanged to the floor.

The pan was dented and shaped like Kakarot's stunned face.

The dark-haired girl's eyes widened and she looked from the handle in her hand, to Kakarot, and then to her pan.

"...Oh, wow, that packed quite a punch," Kakarot rubbed the back of his head in bewilderment. His face was undisturbed from the violent misuse of the kitchen utensil.

The girl very suddenly snatched his chin into her hand, yanked him down to her face, and twisted his face this way and that, searching for some sign of abuse.

"No bruising? No concussion? No hemorrhaging?" She blinked her black eyes in astonishment. "-the HELL are you made out of, because it's clearly stronger than wrought-iron!"

She roughly released Kakarot's face, and whipped around to narrow her eyes at Bulma and Vegeta. The latter of whom was coolly analyzing Kakarot's dumbfounded face.

Bulma's jaw was still on the floor.

"Can I help you?" The girl snapped.

"Would you mind if we joined you for breakfast?" Bulma offered her the sweetest and most charming smile, which was not a difficult thing to do, no sir. She heard a sigh from behind her, but decided to stick to her request with her hands perched on her hips.

The younger girl looked like she was about to get homicidal with the frying pan handle.

"Yes, I would! I do not feed intruders. I did not hear knocking, or god forbid, the doorbell. I did not give you permission to enter my home, so don't come marching in here expecting hospitality," She bit out viciously.

"Well maybe we would have knocked if the flames of Hell weren't in front of the door! We had to bust through the roof!"

"I heard!"

"Listen, kid, you're the first human I've met in days. Can't we just get along? I apologize for entering your home without permission, but-"

"Kid? I'll have you know that I'm turning sixteen in a month and four days. I'm practically a woman," She announced proudly.

"So? I'm nineteen," Bulma snobbishly upturned her nose.

The girl glared. "You said I'm the first human you met since the world ended. So what are they?"

The two females turned to look over their shoulders. Sure enough, the boys were stuffing their faces. Vegeta was going through a batch of cooling chocolate muffins while Kakarot inhaled three egg omelets in one go.

"...not human?" Bulma replied feebly.

"Wait a minute - I recognize that uniform. You two are with the same bastards who killed everyone!" The girl screeched and pointed angrily at them.

"Mmactually, I ron't efen mow Follsha anf Zibreth vewy well," Kakarot swallowed a stack of apple pancakes. At the girls' disgusted and puzzled faces, he clarified. "I said, I actually don't even know Tollsha and Zibeth very well,"

Vegeta rolled his eyes. "We are part of the same organization,"

"Oh? So you two are here for clean-up duty?" She hissed.

"I believe those two did an adequate job. You two are the only surviving humans on this mudball. Isn't that right, Kakarot?"

The other Saiyan nodded with his cheeks puffed with pastries.

The girl's pin-straight posture sagged, her pale face crestfallen. Bulma extended a comforting hand on her shoulder, though she was dumbfounded at the news. How could she and this other girl be the only survivors? It didn't seem logical. Bulma was no Bear Grylls, even though this chick wielded that frying pan like a thug.

"Then what are you two here for?" She asked wearily.

"You and the other woman will go to Vegeta-sei," The Saiyan prince distracted himself with a bowl of sticky buns.

"Another planet?" The girl looked like she was about to get fussy again, so Bulma spun her around for a pep talk.

"Look, you can either stay here on Earth and become some space tyrant's girlfriend or get blown up along with the rest of the Earth," The blue-haired teen whispered harshly into the other teen's ear. "And it'd be a good idea not to fight these two,"

"And why is that? I will not tolerate being abducted by strange men!"

"Kid, Vegeta set me on fire for calling him a dork and threw me from the sky because I told him to carry me nicely," Bulma said flatly. "Did you see what happened to your frying pan when you hid Kakarot?"

She glanced down at the handle sadly. Her eyes sparked at the name.

"Kakarot?"

"The tall one with the hair,"

The girl addressed Bulma with a dry, "They both have 'the hair',"

Bulma laughed. "Well, Kakarot's really nice and he's a total babe, but Vegeta over there...cute, but a total psycho,"

The girl had her eyes glued to Kakarot's butt. "I see,"

"What's your name?"

The girl still looked a little suspicious, but she seemed more relaxed. "Chi-Chi,"

"I'm Bulma,"

"Well, Bulma, it would be a good idea to have some breakfast before these two finish it," Chi-Chi frowned at the inhuman speed in which the boys were scarfing everything down. "Besides, if we're going somewhere, you'll need all the energy you can get,"

Bulma blinked in surprise. "I thought you'd put up a fight,"

"The way you put it...I think I'd rather just go to another planet and start over there," Chi-Chi's eyes aged like a stressed, midlife-crisis'd, middle-aged spinster's. "Too much has happened too soon,"

Bulma nodded somberly. The two girls shared a quiet moment of grief.

"Hey, Chi-Chi? Can you make more of these?" Kakarot forked a sliver of bacon and waved it at her. Her cheeks reddened before she stomped over to the stove, all the while raving about the boy's terrible table manners.

Bulma hovered over the table. She tried stealthily thieving a cranberry muffin from Vegeta's plate, but the threatening growl and following lethal glare told her to unhand the muffin immediately.

So she stuck her tongue out and took the muffin anyway.

She missed his indignant expression when she twirled on her heel to ask Chi-Chi for some butter.

"How did he know my name?" Chi-Chi opened the fridge to hand Bulma a tub of I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter (Mediterranean-flavored).

"I told you, they're not human. I'm pretty sure they have super senses or something," Bulma cut the muffin in half and buttered a slice.

"You two whisper so well that Kakarot and I can hear every word," Vegeta mocked. "And while you're in the kitchen, I demand another one of those pastries that you stole from me,"

Bulma's blue brows pinned together in anger. "You have two hands and two feet_ and _a tail, and you _demand _that I get you another muffin? Tough shit, bro!"

"They have tails?" Chi-Chi whispered scandalously. "I thought they were fuzzy belts,"

"Yes, we have tails, and Woman, I will tear out your tongue if you ever speak to me so insolently," Vegeta gruffly said.

"Why is he so high and mighty?" Chi-Chi muttered, her frown deepening.

"Didn't you hear?" Bulma said bitingly. "He's an alien _prince_,"

"Oh? A prince?" Chi-Chi didn't sound terribly impressed, which made Bulma smirk in his direction. She bit into the muffin and turned into a puddle of goo. "Holy crud, Chi-Chi, these muffins are delicious!"

"Thank you, Bulma," She said shortly. "Cooking is a passion of mine,"

"I've never been the domestic type. My mom took care of food," Bulma tapped her chin thoughtfully. "'Course, she's dead,"

Chi-Chi's face darkened. "Dad died fighting that pink alien," Her anger faded into misery. "He was the Ox King, you know,"

"That explains the castle. But why didn't he kill you?"

She took on a puzzled expression. "I'm not really sure. The other alien told the pink one not to kill me. He said that while I was fighting the pink one, too," The black rage returned to her pretty face. "I got a couple of punches in, but the pink alien just laughed and said that _Zarbon _would 'collect' me. He said something about a freezer liking feisty girls," Chi-Chi bitterly narrated.

Bulma's brows pinched together again. "This Frieza guy sounds like such a jerk. The boys told me about how he enslaves armies and makes them purge planets. Then he sells them. They haven't told me what they're here for, but it seems like they're taking us to safety,"

Chi-Chi looked at them with mistrust. "How do you know they're taking us some place safe? How do you know they won't do anything bad to us?"

"To be honest, I don't know. At this point, I don't have any options," Bulma picked crumbs off her shirt. "Is it strange that I trust them? I mean, I've known them for less than a day, but my instincts don't think anything is wrong. I mean...I dunno, Chi-Chi. It's just-"

"You don't know what to do with yourself?"

"Yeah,"

The dark-haired teen shook her head. "I've just been cooking like mad. I didn't know what else to do. I hoped that there was someone out there besides myself out there. Being so alone is scary," Chi-Chi plated the bacon. "What's your story? You aren't a fighter, are you?"

"Haven't fought a day in my life,"

"Then how are you still alive?"

"I hid under a table,"

"You have got to be joking. Those guys managed to sniff out and snuff out every person on the planet. How did they skip you?"

Bulma picked crumbs off of her top. Her lips curved down. Why _didn't _they find her? It wasn't like she was that well hidden, was she? Now that she thought about it, it sounded like a freak strike of luck, foul play.

_Bulma Briefs was supposed to have died that morning. _

"WOMAN! I WANT MY MUFFIN!"

Chi-Chi returned to the kitchen after sliding Kakarot a plate of bacon. He happily accepted the plate and thanked her with similar fervor.

"His Highness wants a muffin," Chi-Chi rolled her eyes. She watched the blue-haired girl staring oddly at her toes, forehead crumpled in thought. She strode up to the older girl and snapped her fingers in her face. "Hel-lo?"

"Oh, sorry, Chi-Chi. I zoned out there,"

Bulma eyed the last muffin evilly. She snatched it up and walked out of the kitchen. She walked towards the table. Sky-scraping towers of dirty dishes balanced on the table.

"About time," Vegeta grunted. He made to rip the muffin out of the lazy woman's hands, but she evaded him by reaching her arm up.

"Uh-uh. You have to say please,"

"And you have to die,"

"Just say 'May I please have the last, delicious muffin, Bulma?'. Then it's all yours,"

He looked blankly at her before phasing out and phasing behind her. Bulma's eyes widened, but she sunk her teeth into the soft, sticky top of the cranberry muffin and licked it for good measure.

Vegeta's hand froze from where he was reaching for the muffin. He gaped at her disobedience and grew furious.

"Give it here!"

"I already licked it!"

"Ugh, vile creature," Vegeta sneered in disgust when she slobbered on the baked good some more. Like he wanted it now that she had her human germs on it. How could a woman be so repulsive?

He heard the other female snicker. Vegeta briefly thought that perhaps all humans had the Woman's strange coloring (blue, of all colors!), but this little girl proved him wrong. If anything, she had Saiyan coloring, what with the black hair and dark eyes, though they were wide and round like the lewd woman's. His scouter was offline, but he could tell she was fighter from the muscles on her otherwise tiny frame.

She looked to be around Kakarot's age, though that fool's height was deceiving. He sprouted up like a magical bean stalk, leaving the irate Prince in his wake.

Vegeta shook his head. He would need to punish the woman soon.

"You can have the muffin bottom. No one eats those," Bulma plopped the half-eaten muffin onto his plate, much to his annoyance.

"Don't bother,"

"Whatever," Bulma went about slicing a peach. "When do we have to leave?"

"Once I clean up. Is everyone finished?" Chi-Chi warily addressed the Saiyans. Their appetites were amazing, though it was probably because they had higher metabolisms if those bodies of theirs had anything to say about it.

"Yeah, thanks for the meal, Chi-Chi. You're a real great cook," Kakarot smiled widely at her, making the girl blush.

Vegeta pushed his plate away, silently signaling for the girl to take the dishes away. To his surprise, the woman was collecting his dishes.

"I swear, you Saiyans are supposedly a warrior race, yet you're too lazy to drop off your dishes, or wash your dishes for that matter. How is Chi-Chi supposed to finish up all these dishes herself?"

"Quit your bitching. Washing and clearing the table is a servant's job, not mine. Go help if you are so concerned,"

Bulma's patience was running thin. This guy really knew how to push her buttons, didn't he? Ordering her around like some cheap labor - the nerve! She rarely ever touched a dish rag herself, but at least she never demanded her mom to do so.

She was tempted to chuck the plates at him, frisbee-style, but held onto her maturity.

So she knocked over his glass instead and disappeared into the kitchen before His Majesty roared like a pissy lion. Bulma smiled to herself.

_I hope orange juice is a bitch of a stain to remove from that spandex battle suit. Jerk. _

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **

**Bulma the Steel-Ovary'd Bitch is coming forth now that she finds trolling Vegeta hilarious. Chi-Chi has also come forth. **

**As for ages, Bulma is nineteen, and since Vegeta is a year older than her, then he has to be twenty in this story. Annnd...Goku (god, I hate writing 'Kakarot' all the frakkin' time) is four years younger than Bulma, so he's fifteen here. **

**Didn't watch Dragon Ball, so I don't know when he started getting tall, but let's just say for the sake of suspending your belief, he's taller than Vegeta at this point. **

**Mad smart at math, yo. **

**I apologize for grammar mistakes and shit, but it's 3:21 AM and I'm hungry. **

**Thanks to: **

popoli - Yes, Goku and Vegeta ate a human :D. I figured it wouldn't be too strange to have them do that since Vegeta ate an alien from that bug planet and plus, they're Saiyans. I'm happy you find this funny and I am writing this with a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor.

elleelle - I wanted to try my hand on some cheeky BulmaXVegeta fics. I hope you'll keep indulging :)

ssjjshawn - Abuse the M rating. Gotcha.


	3. Monsters

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z, nor do I own any part of the Dragon Ball franchise. **

"What!" Bulma squawked. "Why don't you have washing machines? Or dryers?"

Chi-Chi turned her nose up while mechanically folding a purple blouse. "I prefer the traditional methods of cleaning,"

"I am not hand-washing his pants,"

"_You_ were the one who poured orange juice on him,"

"_He_ was the one acting like a stupid pig. He deserves it. He should wash his own pants,"

"You should tell him that," Chi-Chi said dryly. "I'm sure_ that_ would go over well,"

Bulma nervously tugged at the navy spandex in her hands.

So maybe it hadn't been her brightest move. So he had flipped the biggest shit in the history of flipping shits. So he had stripped his pants off and shoved it in her arms, demanding she wash them or be blasted to bits.

Kakarot had choked on bacon and Chi-Chi had shielded her eyes.

Vegeta wore spandex briefs. Lord help Bulma if she wasn't even a little bit appreciative.

Vegeta was definitely being overdramatic, though.

Her fellow Earthling directed Bulma over to a washboard much to her horror.

_Oh, the humanity! _

"I bet those fatties are just stalling so they can eat more," Bulma moaned.

Chi-Chi looked annoyed while she packed a suitcase of her things. Bulma squatted in the bathtub, totally miffed with her circumstances, while Chi-Chi was in the adjoining bedroom.

Bulma scrubbed a blob of detergent into the spandex and began to smile. _Ah. Hope he likes the smell of grapefruit and sugar beet. Ooh, this smells nice~_

She was in the middle of wringing the water out when Saiyan prince himself appeared, looking as grumpy as he usually did. Bulma gave him a dismissive wave. Now she was determined on choking the water out of every fiber of his battle pants. It was oddly...therapeutic.

When he narrowed his eyes and snatched the wrinkled material from pruny hands, she cocked her brow patronizingly.

"What, do you plan on wearing your pants wet? And whose pants have you been wearing all this time?" Bulma propped her fists up to her hips and looked at the gray sweats sagging around his waist.

Vegeta sniffed, his stare dropping from her face. "I found it," _Why is he staring at my top? _Bulma risked a peek at herself.

"Hey!" Chi-Chi screeched from the doorway with an accusing pointer finger at the scowling Prince. "Those are Daddy's pants!"

Meanwhile, Bulma's cheeks reddened at the wet splotches on her microscopic top. Perv! She couldn't help the fact that it was COLD and Mother Nature's _thermometer_ was acting _up. _

"My...My virgin eyes!"

"Hm?" Bulma turned to see Chi-Chi slap her hands over eyes and flee.

For the second time that day, Vegeta dropped his pants. His boots were already off and he somehow managed to slip into wet spandex with no difficulty, which probably offended some law of physics. Bulma was decidedly envious.

He surrounded himself with a hot, blue, crackling aura that immediately dried the pants.

Vegeta ignored Bulma's questioning look. With a mental sigh, she chalked it up as another strange thing that came with being a Saiyan.

"Get up," He barked. Bulma jumped at his voice and lifted herself out of the tub. _Shoot, these shorts just had to be transparent. These panties are way too sexy to be seen-through. ARGH! _

Vegeta was already out of room when she left the bathroom. Bulma slouched into the bedroom. "Hey Chi-Chi, can I borrow some clothes? Mine got soaked,"

"If you call _that _clothing," The younger girl gave Bulma a disapproving once-over. "Here,"

Chi-Chi held out a long-sleeved shirt and a long skirt.

Bulma was indignant. "Are you serious? You're giving me that?"

Chi-Chi's eyes flashed. "_Excuse me_? You have some nerve, entering my home, eating my food, and then _complaining _about clothes that are practical. You," She sharply pointed at Bulma's shocked face. "are abusing my hospitality. You can stay in wet clothes if you're going to be a brat about it,"

Chi-Chi pushed past the frozen girl with a suitcase in hand. "Those men are waiting at the roof so we can leave,"

Bulma stared in disbelief at her retreating back.

She was extremely uncomfortable at the intense once-over Vegeta was giving her from above the giant hole in the roof. The second he had spotted her, his cranky countenance got crankier, especially after his first glimpse of her clothes.

Bulma watched Kakarot pull Chi-Chi up to the roof and wondered if she should extend her arms up to the angry alien like a baby demanding to be picked up.

Bulma gnawed on her bottom lip and glanced down at herself.

Long nun-skirt? Check.

Unflattering beige top? Check.

She had ditched her bra, which felt awkward on her skin while damp. Besides, the shirt was frumpy enough to go without a bra.

A tan arm shot down through the hole. She looked up at it and saw it was Kakarot. Bulma squashed the feeling of disappointment in her gut and grabbed his hand. He effortlessly hauled her up and steadied her once her feet settled on the cobblestone roof.

"Alright. We're good to go," Kakarot beamed at the girls and turned to look at Vegeta. "I'll carry Chi-Chi,"

Bulma's temper flared when she saw the prince roll his eyes and grimace. Without looking at her, he grabbed her elbow and dragged her to him. She felt a wicked case of vertigo when he whipped her up and into his arms. Bulma watched gloomily when Kakarot gently put Chi-Chi into his arms, much to Chi-Chi's red-faced delight.

Bulma scowled.

Kakarot tilted his head up and inhaled. "I can smell your house, Bulma. It's not too far from where we found you," He smiled encouragingly at her. "Maybe we'll be able to find one those capsules you were talking about."

With that, they took off.

The entire time, Bulma watched Chi-Chi and Itch, who had woken up some time around breakfast, battle for Kakarot's affection in an all-out battle of hissing and clawing. Both girl and cat did remarkably well, much to the Saiyan's discomfort. Bulma actively tried to ignore the heated look she was getting from Vegeta. What was his problem? It was like he was burning a hole through her top or something. Ever since she had changed out of her earlier clothes...she twisted her lips in thought.

Bulma dared a peek at him. Vegeta wasn't facing her (probably turned his head right before she turned hers, that loser, she thought smugly), though a muscle in his jaw twitched when she began staring at him. "Hey you," She poked an unpainted nail at his plated chest. When all she got in response was a frown, she squirmed in his arms. "Do you like my outfit so much that you can't keep your eyes off of me?"

"Hn. Hardly,"

Her playful smile wilted. Bulma knitted her brow and poked him harder. "Hey! I'll have you know that a girl as gorgeous as me can make anything look good," She rolled up her sleeves and tugged the neck of the wooly blouse down. When she saw him following the expanse of skin she was exposing, she smirked. "All you need is a little confidence,"

If it was possible, his frown deepened.

"Uh," Kakarot crumpled his forehead. Cue standard back-of-the-head scratching. "I'm sure it was beautiful before Tollsha and Zibeth wrecked it,"

"It was," Bulma gritted out.

"Looks like a complete shit hole now," Vegeta snorted. He idly toed blocks of rubble. "What are we looking for?"

Bulma glowered. "My home is not a shit hole, you jerk,"

Vegeta gave her a mocking sneer and flipped her off.

The girl genius squatted and nudged some scraps of metal away. She plucked a block of plaster and chucked it at his spiky head, pouting when it flew past his shoulder. Vegeta wasn't throwing a hissy fit, which Bulma took as a sign that a) he was already falling madly in love with her and found her violent attacks adorable, or b) he was growing a tolerance for her.

Though it was probably the former, because a little while after, Vegeta had toed her butt and sent her flying into debris.

It looked like bits of her lab, she noted with chagrin. Bulma ignored the bruises beginning to form on her body from being kicked into the ruins of her home. "We're looking for a capsule. It's a white palm-sized tube with a color strip around the middle," Bulma batted away a couple more scraps of charred metal.

The taller Saiyan squatted down with her and lifted the heavier bits and pieces of her home. She didn't want to look at the sympathetic smile on his face. It made her throat tighten and her chest hurt. Chi-Chi and Vegeta stood off to the side; the former frowning at the wreckage and the latter looking impatient.

Suddenly, Bulma was outrageously bent on finding a Capsule house, just so she could wipe that disbelieving look off of Vegeta's stupid face. She furrowed her teal brows, blue eyes straining to catch a glimpse of at least _one _capsule. Maybe then, if the Saiyans were even a smidgeon civilized, she could rebuild her life and adapt as a scientist and not a concubine_._

She feverishly shoved at the ruins of what was once Earth's wealthiest compound. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she felt her eyes stinging and her hands bleeding. All she saw was a dismembered hand with polished nails, shredded small intestines, broken teeth, broken glasses, and a handful of torn hair the color of unripened strawberries.

God, and so many bugs.

Capsules. She needed a capsule.

"Bulma," Chi-Chi snatched Bulma's wrist and hauled the older girl up with strength that really shouldn't have surprised Bulma. Bulma felt warm, dry hands holding hers, which she distantly felt stinging. When she refocused her eyes on her hands in Chi-Chi's tanner, calloused hands, she saw glass splinters jutting out of her fingers, summoning an unsteady drip of blood.

Bugs. So many bugs.

"Here. I carry alcoholic wipes with me in case somebody decides to be clumsy. Honestly, you could have been more careful," Chi-Chi picked the glass out with the wipe around her fingers. She swiped roughly at the cuts on Bulma's hands and whipped a roll of bandages out. She expertly wrapped Bulma's hands, all the while loudly snapping about how irresponsible the former heiress was.

"_This _is a capsule?" A disdainful voice said.

Both girls turned around to look at the Saiyan aristocrat pinching a dirty white tube with a bright yellow band circling the middle. Kakarot poked his head out of a deep pile of rubble and phased in front of Vegeta.

"Is that it?" He asked excitedly, and crowded the older Saiyan, who shoved Kakarot out of his personal space.

"That's it," Bulma said blankly, absentmindedly tugging at her bandages.

Vegeta scrutinized the tube between his gloved fingers. The top looked like a button of sorts. He applied light pressure to the button with his thumb.

_POOF! _

He flung the exploding capsule with a start. Both Vegeta and Kakarot took on fighting stances at the yellow smoke.

"It's...it's a rice cooker,"

Pause.

"My mom made my dad design it," Bulma chewed on her bottom lip in a daze.

"Wow," Kakarot breathed. "You fit that rice cooker into that little tube? That's incredible,"

"Of all the capsules to survive on Earth," Chi-Chi said sagely. "It had to be the rice cooker,"

Vegeta was silent. Bulma looked at him from the corner of his eye and saw that he was deep in thought. He was burning holes into the rice cooker, and the second he felt her eyes on him, he flickered his smoldering gaze on her.

Bulma tried to tamp down the butterflies rioting in her tummy to no avail. God, those fucking _eyes_. Subconsciously, she licked her bottom lip and noticed with an influx of fluttery metaphoric insects in her gut that he followed her tongue, eyeing her mouth for a little longer than what was considered polite. She was becoming downright uncomfortable with his intensity.

For the first time (probably), Bulma Briefs backed down. Her discomfort and her pink cheeks forced her to look away, even though her instincts screamed at her to hold eye-contact until Vegeta broke it off first.

"Impressive," A husky voice dryly remarked from behind her. Bulma jolted, spine stiffening. When had he covered the distance between them so quickly and quietly? Vegeta was right behind her, hot breath summoning goosebumps from her pearly white neck. "Humans have advanced to stowing cooking utensils into capsules,"

"Aw, Vegeta," Kakarot tutted. "It's no house, but this kind of technology is remarkable. Dad would be thrilled if he could get his hands on this type of thing,"

Vegeta screwed his mouth back into a frown, eyes narrowing to slits. "What are you suggesting?"

"Maybe Bulma can help. She could be a scientist or something. We could use all the help we can get,"

"Hn. A woman like this one wouldn't be capable of aiding Bardock in any scientific innovation,"

"Do I have to remind you again who_ aided _increating one of the greatest scientific innovations of all time? Capsule technology is the biggest breakthrough in technology since cellphones! Don't you dare tell me what I am and what I am not capable of. You have no idea who I am," Bulma said hotly, scathingly glaring at Vegeta. Her fists were tightly balled at her side, blue eyes flashing.

"I shouldn't have to remind you, human," Vegeta hissed, advancing with his shoulders squared menacingly. "That I am the Prince of all Saiyans, and nobody, especially a lowly human bitch, will speak to me with such disrespect,"

"'Lowly human bitch'?" Bulma growled, rage building up with each word.

"I do not stutter," Vegeta grinned cruelly at the shade of red her face was taking. "Bitch,"

Oh, how she wanted to hurt him. She wanted to wring his little neck, stomp on his dweeby head, and tear his entrails out with her bare hands.

"You..." Bulma shook, teeth grinding. She screamed. "You heartless, insensitive monkey bastard! You're so...so _mean. _Does it mean anything to you that I am one of the only kind of my race? Do you know how it feels to be completely alone in the universe? To have everybody you know and love dead? _Murdered? To have your entire race gone? Do you have any idea how that feels?_" She exhaled harshly, chest heaving and eyes burning. Bulma turned her head up to force the tears back into her tear ducts. With watery blue eyes she stared Vegeta dead in the eye.

Agony. Her soul was in _agony. _"Lonely," She answered softly. "It's so lonely,"

Bulma caught the stunned look on his face for a millisecond before he regained composure. A cold smile curled his lip up. "I don't care about your feelings. It's a blessing that a race as idiotic as yours is gone,"

"Chi-Chi!"

Vegeta felt the small spark in the other girl's ki and easily dodged the kick aimed at his head. Kakarot had her trapped under the arms. Chi-Chi viciously lashed out, black eyes blazing and fists up. She kicked and screamed, "Don't touch me! Let me show him how idiotic our race is! You fucker! - UGH! LET ME GO! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!"

"Chi-Chi, calm down, please!" Kakarot soothed nervously. His head swerved when her leg shot up and almost hit him in the face.

The Prince watched her squirm and roar in Kakarot's arms and shook his head mockingly. "Humans,"

Bulma's stomach felt empty. How could he just disregard her like that? His dark eyes had been icy and uncaring. He wasn't lying when he said he didn't give a hoot about her. Vegeta, honest to God, did not care. He offered zero empathy for her situation, despite the implication that he had been in the same situation with other aliens.

She watched him now, lips slightly parted. He was amused by the fact that Chi-Chi wanted to kill him. And from the determination bleeding from her face, she wasn't kidding. Yet there he was, almost smiling at her death threats.

Cold heaviness settled uneasily in Bulma's gut. Vegeta radiated power and strength. Consciously or not, he was always in warrior form; legs shoulder width apart and muscles flexed. But he was beyond a warrior, she slowly realized. Bulma felt numb all over when a distant thought struck her brain.

_Vegeta works for the same organization as the aliens who killed everybody on Earth. _

_ Vegeta has done the same thing to other planets. He has committed genocide - he's made species and races go instinct. _

_ He's just like them. _

Bulma forced her head to look at Kakarot; sweet and goofy ol' Kakarot was a murderer.

They weren't warriors. They were killers.

Her blood froze in her veins. Yet there she was, frolicking with these monsters, _trusting _them, even. They would take her and Chi-Chi to a new planet. They would keep them safe. They would be with her.

Bulma's stomach heaved.

How stupid had she been to think that she wouldn't be alone anymore.

* * *

><p><strong> AN: **

**Aw, shit. Vegeta's kind of a really fucking hard character to write. Some write him as more stoic and cold, while others make him passionate and raging. I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two. He won't be as emotionally traumatized, since Frieza hasn't gotten his hands on him yet and the Saiyans are all still alive.**

**And I feel like Bulma is a little less bossy and mouthy here, just because I feel like she would be wimpier if she hadn't met Goku. In this AU, she meets him three years later than in canon. Also, everybody she knows and loves is dead, so I feel like that may or may not count for something. **

**Just Saiyan. (lolololol Pun! Boom. Roasted. I am great.) **

**Though I suppose I can't apologize for writing non-original characters OOC because they're not mine and no fanfiction can ever be 100% IC (unless, say, Akira Toriyama was secretly writing them under the pen name of LunarGoddessSakura96.)**

**...You know too much.**

**This plot has more holes than the moon and it's pretty awful, but I'm not giving up on writing this. This will be completed! If I want to advance in writing, then I will keep writing.**

**Practice makes perfect, and this will be far from perfect, like every work I have ever written, am writing, or will write.**

**Oh well.**

**Happy reading and expect the next chapter to be written and published by October 22, 2011. **

**~Pony. **


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